Saturday, April 06, 2002

Raze, Burn and Salt the Earth

As I mentioned before -- it is a gray, dreary day here in the Alamo City. I have spent it geeking.

I would have preferred working on the yard. The house is new to me -- Closing Day was 26 FEB 2002 -- and was pretty much neglected. Not unexpected -- considering it was a government foreclosure.

I used part of Thursday and Friday evening to make great progress and now feel thwarted.

Committing to yard care is a big step for me. After all, my mantra for years has been lawns are shackles on the weekend of the unwitting suburbanite. An industry created by fascist corporate America to sell seed, petro-chemical fertilizers, gas belching noise polluting mowers, and gallons of water. All fueled by a keeping up with the Jones' mentality.

So it was after a threatening letter about weeds, community covenants, and possible repercussions from the Home Owners Association -- a tool of the man -- that I, Julius Crabgrass, resolved to cross the Rubi-lawn.

Thursday afternoon, I loaded the dog up and at Wal-Mart we purchased the field artillery and citadel assault engines required for the campaign of destiny... yes, my very own trip over the alps.... the Battle of the Yard. (There can be only one)

I picked up a push mower, a noxious substance called weed n' feed, an even more deadly powder consisting mostly of diazanon, a spreader, a spray bottle of ultimate weed killer, top soil, a "revolutionary" weed extractor, and two way cool metal trellis thingers for the huge bougainvilleas I planted last week.

I assembled the mower and marched it up and down the front. It was cool and I think a pusher is the way to go -- no gas or oil to deal with and none of that noise pollution deafening my sensitive little ears. Once the drive way is expanded, there won't be enough grass in the front yard to merit a gas hog anyway. Yes -- I plan to pave my way to lawn emancipation. (Evil laugh)

I did the weed n' feed spreader thinger and also put a thick coat of diazanon down to kill all the crawlie beasties. A few colonies of ants have dared to invade the back yard and their piles got gleeful special attention. That's me -- the walking granular death master! All very bad for the environment -- but the HOA letter did demand ACTION.

The way cool trellis things have hooks for hanging potted stuff, so the strawberry plants are moving up front. The whole effect should be cool. I felt creative -- after all I love growing things -- I just hate rolling lawns of sterile green manicured grass.

I had to put the dog back in the car for this evolution though. Now that his freedom pet door is installed, he could not contain his curiosity and had to snoop. With herbicide and pesticide flying about like agent orange in Vietnam, I figured the del sol was the best place for him.

Friday I spent extracting weeds. That "revolutionary" weed extractor is not worth diddley squat. Luckily, my neighbor saw my frustration and volunteered her much cooler model -- purchased from that Mecca of improvement -- Home Depot.

A little digression -- discovering the Home Depot at De Zevala and I-10 was open 24/7 made me the happiest little do it yourself bohemian in all the world. I now haunt it after rolling out of my favorite clubs. Much better than a trip to IHOP or Jim's to wind down. I'm productive, walk about half a mile looking for what I need for the next afternoon's projects, and don't ingest greasy spoon fare on top of the black n' tan hoppy goodness of a night out.

But back to the yard. My neighbor's weed puller is the schiz-net! It actually made this potentially frustrating and boring task quick and almost fun. It used a simple leverage principle to yank those tap roots right out. A real lightning strike, Blitzkrieg style toy. I must have one of my own... I must have...

Anyway... in a surge of frenzied activity -- I guess I could sense victory -- I potted the elephant ears, hosta, and other poor plants that have languished for weeks in the living room. Mostly because they had started to sprout through the sacks. I saved the blueberry, raspberry, and blackberry bushes for today. Yes, anti-oxidants are us.

But this nasty all day drizzle has halted my forced march. Yuck.

posted by Bohica at 6:20 PM