Monday, May 06, 2002

The Power of the Mad Green

Face it, money is power.

Having money means independence and freedom from obligation.

Lacking money can trap you into a job you hate with people you dislike -- a hamster in a wheel chasing a paycheck to make ends meet.

Depressing.

Hamsters don't have much of a Fuck You Factor (FYF).

The FYF is a favorite concept of mine. Having a high one gives the ability to walk away -- to do what you want -- to not have to take other people's shit because you're worried about paying the mortgage next month.

Establishing a FYF of consequence requires controlled expenses and financial resources -- coming back to money and power and independence.

Aside from the public persona FYF -- there is the relationship FYF.

Men are so terribly sensitive about money. It goes back to that power issue.

The programmed need to show value through personal accomplishment -- accomplishment often quantified by bank balance.

So how do women show accomplishment? Funny question that.

Traditionally, women were not expected to achieve -- they have no "worth" in the sense that men have always had. Society is changing, but the old ways of thinking still have hold on the majority. Which is why many men are terribly resentful of women in positions of power -- being raised to think women will always be lesser and then confronting a female superior must be traumatic.

So where are these thoughts coming from?

Aside from the almost constant maneuvering of my parents concerning the balance of power in their relationship -- which has huge money overtones -- but don't even get me started there or I'll never get to the cool links...

Well.

Here is the cause...

While I was reading Salon Saturday morning I came across an article in the Life section on the male/female check splitting dynamic. The author is working on a book about sex and money and the Salon piece is a two page riff which manages to tie in money and power with a respect angle I had not thought of before.

An excerpt:

I wonder. They may offer to pay, but what do they have in mind? Men do not use the language of respect when they talk about treating women to dinner. For some it is a convention they honor, for others one they begrudge. Some men will admit that they won't ask a woman out to dinner unless they can foot the bill for both of them, and that if they are going through a bad financial period they accept that they can't date. Others say that they are always prepared to pay, but that they admire women who offer to pay their share and take them up on it. And some insist on paying all the time, perhaps for reasons that wouldn't make most women happy.

One of these men compared his footing the bill to the territorial marking achieved by a dog peeing on a fire hydrant; for him it was about control. (He also noted that if the woman he was dining with knew more about wine than he did, he would expect her to have sufficient "charm" to let him believe otherwise.) Others claimed they don't mind paying but when they recounted stories of dates gone by, it was clear they have passed many moments over many years watching resentfully over every addition to the bill.

One man was able to recount the price of an errant high-priced entree from 15 years back. How much "respect" did these men really have for the women they dated? And how much of what I couldn't help hearing as disrespect stemmed from resentment at a financial imposition?

Few high-level jobs depend on being able to hold heavy doors open. But most high-level jobs involve making lots of money, and as long as being paid for (being bought) is associated with being feminine, there are powerful unconscious barriers to female success. Transfers of money are more powerfully charged in our culture, and as long as we construe gender as being about the flow of funds from men to women, in some deep but inescapable way all women are prostitutes, and all men are johns.

One of may favorite "Cosmo-for-men" sites is the evil Microsoft affiliate, AskMen.com. I ran a "picking up the tab search" and up popped this wisdom:

Men should do this the old fashioned way. None of that "let's split the bill" crap. If you pay for everything, she owes you. I don't care what anyone says about this, even if it's a new millennium.

If you bring a girl out and spring for everything, she'll feel she owes you something in return. (If she doesn't feel she owes you, dump her FAST.) She knows you don't want cash so guess what you're likely to get instead? Bingo genius, some action is what you'll get.

If you're sitting there thinking, that doesn't work, then it's because you're not doing it right. Make her feel like a princess and she'll make you feel like a king at the end of the night, just don't be shy to make a move. And if things don't work out, at least she won't go around town saying you were a lousy date, which doesn't help when you try to pick up her friends!

By the way, never complain about how much something costs. Just pay for it as if you were buying a pack of gum. As soon as you complain, you destroy your credibility and without a good reputation, you are nothing.

Also at Askmen.com was a piece suggesting women earn seventy-six cents on the dollar as society's way of balancing the financial scales. That extra twenty-four cents in the male paycheck is compensation for paying the tab on dates. The author even does the math. Ick.

I realize Askmen.com is not the end all be all of manly wisdom -- just as Cosmo is not the female bible, but further searching on the web yielded more of the same. Almost all of the first 100 sites googled with "picking up the dinner tab," mentioned eventual resentment on always having to pay, the expectations involved with having paid, and that men should pay -- at least the majority of the time.

One of the better written was a bit from a self-styled Mr. Cheap -- titled, The Dinner Tab Blues. The best paragraph is cut and pasted for your edification and delight:

Several years back, I got into a conversation with a gentleman musician who did massage on the side. DISCLAIMER: Massage, as it’s practiced today, is a completely mainstream, holistic, and non-sexual enterprise, and this story is not meant to imply anything to the contrary. So, relax. We got to talking about one particular massage, which developed - quite spontaneously, and by mutual consent - into something a bit more intimate, shall we say. Afterwards, the woman, who had initially agreed upon the hourly rate for his massage services, commented quite matter-of-factly, that in light of how things had turned out, she obviously didn’t owe him anything now. The gentleman, being rather liberated and enlightened - bad news for the lady’s wallet - didn’t quite see it that way, to say the least. He made his feelings quite clear, even going so far as to suggest that he should charge her double. I like this guy.

I know -- not on topic, but funny.

Back to picking up the tab...

How do I feel about this issue?

I'm not super huge on eating out. In many ways its a wasteful indulgence -- but that's my daddy, the ultimate Mr. Cheap, talking through me.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it -- but its not an everyday sort of thing.

So when I do go out -- I get what I want. If its expensive or an extra appetizer or a bottle of wine, no matter. Not needing a man to pay gives me a high FYF -- which equates to freedom in my choices.

Since I order as I wish, I always offer to pay.

On a first date, its hard to get men to agree. Sometimes they even act a little offended -- as if I am insinuating they are less than manly.

So I don't usually fight about it. Later in the evening, I'll pay for something -- drinks if we hit a club or the pool table rent for example.

I've never dated anyone long term who insisted on always paying. There have been one or two men who earned considerably more than me and the more expensive evenings tended to be their treat -- but at that stage of the game, it was more an issue of practicality and not so much one of power.

However, men are evaluated on earning power and they buy the indicia of success -- be it the cool clothes, the hot car, the cool pad, the hot babe...

And as long as the hot babe is for sale, she will never be respected in what is still a man's world.

Her FYF will never be high and that woman will never be me.

posted by Bohica at 12:36 PM